More on SPM and high school later in a different post.
I'd like to talk about happiness. Not because I'm the happiest person ever. We all know that that is not true. Simply because this is what works for me and who knows it might work for you too! It is very important to note that I chase happiness. We achieve happiness when God redha but we still need to chase happiness.
I have a story. Some time ago, I wanted to be a mediator. When people ask me what I want to be, I'd tell them I'd want to be a lawyer because after several attempts of explaining what a mediator is, I got tired. As long as those two are in the same field.
I wanted to be a mediator originally because I watched the Fairly Legal series. I loved how Kate dealt with problems and created a win-win situation. I loved the concept of mediation. Everyone got their fair share and just roll with it. As times went by, I started to notice happneings around me. Injustice everywhere. That moment, I told myself to be in the law industry and tell them what justice really means. For me, to be a victim of injustice (another blog post for this as well), I didn't want other people to feel what it was like to be treated unfairly. I knew what great pains and suffering came from injustice. Cretainly not a good thing so that's why in order for people not to feel the same thing, I need to stand up for justice.
I got all fired up for a while until I came with my first ever turn down. I was in a Jati Diri program earlier last year. Students sat in groups and tell each other about ambitions. When it came to my turn, I told them I want to be a lawyer. When the cycle is completed, the person next to me made me choke on air. "Alia nak jadi lawyer? Tapi Alia nampak macam ntah la, tak sesuai lembut je." And more such sayings came after that as months went by. The heaviest turn down that could make me tear off my leg (yes, disappointment to such extent) was when the person very close to me said I shouldn't be a lawyer. Simply because satu kaki di neraka.
I don't know how to express my feeling here but I'll just let you soak in that.
For the next few months I was in denial and guilt. This year when Prof. Noriah said ASASI offers social science package I was in excitement. It lasted for a few hours before the brick-hard reality hit me and the words kept on lingering, sebelah kaki dekat neraka. Probably because it came from someone close and important to me so yea. *shrugs* Then, the students from Fakulti Undang-undang came and gave a talk during on of the Jati Diri sessions. It was all the same. Hope that lasted for seconds before shattered like glass. I was practically hopeless.
Let me tell you, I was not happy back then. I kept thinking about this. I don't know what I wanted to do. In fact, I went to the counselor last year, took the carrier test and actually believed that I was destined to be a speech pathologist. I actually roamed around and tell my friends 'oh I want to be a spceeh pathologist.'
To think you always have unsettled things, dreams, goals, ambitions and future are too suffocating at times. I was certainly not happy. I kept thinking about it. I was not content with life.
Until one day, something happened. Something happened and I cried because of it. I cried because of injustice. I didn't cry because I got hurt by that or whatever but the injustice is just too unbearable for me to think. To experience such injustice is just out of my mind that I bawled my eyes out.
A few moments later I realized that I can't be a lawyer. I would get too emotional in court. I would think that I'm the hero and able to offer justice. I would get too personal. Because of all that, I wouldn't want to be a lawyer anymore. I posted a Facebook status saying I don't want to be a lawyer anymore but I'll still stand up for justice blah blah blah.
For the next few months, I worked with my inner self. I gathered strength to face the real reason I wanted to be a lawyer. It was not easy because at times I do feel like going back and yep, lawyer all the way! But it's something that I had to think about over and over again. I later learned that a small part of me wanted to be a lawyer for revenge. I seek revenge by making other people not having to undergo the same thing as I did but still it's revenge. Nothing good comes out of it.
So since then, I kept on working with my inner self. Make amend of what's hollow. Though its patched up, it will grow out of it soon. I started to notice that I'v become much happier since then. If it is not happiness, it's contentment. I am content with life.
Just recently I noticed that I chase happiness by making peace with myself. I struggled to find what's the core problem and what's making life so hard. The answer is closer than I think it is; within me.
That's just a story of me making peace with myself. I've also got some issues with certain people and God though I look happy but the guilt and the amount of kejahatan mounted up day by day. I make peace with myself by asking for forgiveness. I said my sorry to the person and I do feel less suffocated after that. It's actually the feeling that you are not burdened anymore. The feeling of weightlessness that makes you happy. Of course, problems come and go but face it like a boss 'cause life is not temporary anyway.
So yea, make peace with yourself. 1) By reflecting a lot of what's within yourself. 2) By asking for forgiveness. Oh, these are a few pieces of writings I managed to write during this whole process:
Seek answers within yourself
not from others.
I wantED to be a lawyer but I know I can't. A thought here is that you can't always have what you want. It's a matter of want and need. I wanted to be a lawyer but I need to be something else. As humans, our wants are more than our needs. Just think of it this way, when it's finally time you can get your [other] want, you will learn to appreciate it better, because you don't always get what you want.
(fld.b.o.w. & fld.r.t)
I guess that's all for now. Sorry for the sudden long post after quite a hiatus and let's hope I keep consistent in writing. I hope you enjoy this post as much as I enjoy writing it (hard feelings aside lol) and yea, thanks for reading. Let me know what you think! :)